Hi there my beautiful lovelies! Hope you guys are doing and staying safe. Today I want to talk about my transformation and how it has set me free. I am free.
Unload The Old And Embrace The New:
My dear lovelies! Before I dug deeper into the subject of my freedom, let’s go back a little further. You guys already know this story. Since childhood, I have been constantly dealing with anxiety, distraction, and more anxiety. Every decision I made, I second-guessed myself and if things go right, I would have a panic attack. I was sinking deeper and deeper into darkness, and ADHD did not help.
The First Step:
Sinking deeper into the dark world of paranoia, anxiety, and negativity is a big burden to deal with. I always felt palpitation and nausea and all other physical symptoms that became very overwhelming and suffocating. I started burying my agony but manifested into overwhelming physical pain. I ended up passing out and throwing up a lot. Of course, the scientific world, the medical world called it Gastroparesis and low blood pressure. I was drowning.
After a few years of medications and intense side effects, I stopped throwing up and gained weight. However, I kept feeling sick to my stomach. I could not breathe, I was drowning in my own pain. With that pain, I finished my undergraduate and graduate degrees and started my first full-time job. It was in that job, I found the light.
I was helping with a clinical study on the impact of guided meditation on stress and anxiety among help care professionals. My boss could sense my struggles and asked me to just participate in the study without being a study participant. So my journey began.
Acknowledge The Problem Without Being Consumed By It:
As I have mentioned in previous posts, it was during one of those study sessions, I found myself, or at least the beginning. When I realized how bound and overwhelmed I was, I started questioning myself and everything I stood for. For the first time in my life, I felt so lost. Even when I was a college freshman, I knew what I wanted and I had my life figured out. Boy was I wrong.
After doing guided imagery and meditation for a few weeks, I became lost. I fell like a tiny fish in a big ocean with fins cut off and unable to swim. It happened for a few years and then came the day when I felt completely alone for the first time in my life.
My dear lovelies! I lost my grandma, my guardian angel. With her death, I started questioning death and dying and my purpose. I felt remorse for not spending more time with her when she was alive. My grandma had such a strong belief in me. Of her 16 grandchildren, I was her favorite. With my grandma gone, I was depressed, frustrated. I was alone. It was during that time an opportunity arrived. I completed my second graduate degree, which kept me distracted for two years. After graduation, I got the chance to get certified through a 6 weeks course on mindful meditation. It was the first step towards my freedom.
Using the Right Brain:
The first thing I learned to use in mindfulness meditation is to learn to use the right brain often. I started pained again. With those right brain exercise, my mind started to open up to see beyond me and other selfish attitudes. My right brain started to open up my mind, until a couple of years ago, when I lost my aunt to lung cancer and my uncle a year later to pancreatic cancer.
Perhaps the most devastating event for me was the diagnosis of my RA related interstitial lung disease or RA-ILD, characterized by scarring of the lung. It regressed back and ended up in the Emergency Room several times for migraine and gastrointestinal issues.
Stairways to Freedom:
Even with my regular guided meditation, I felt lost. However, it all changed last year, when I saw the earth’s true beauty. I was in Hawaii. My dear lovelies! My trip to heaven felt like divine intervention. I was up every single day, watch the beautiful sunrise against the backdrops of the Diamondhead Crater.
It was the beginning of the end of my sleeping in. The beauty of mother nature made so mesmerized by its beauty. It then hit me, nature is so beautiful and we are all robbing it blindly with our pollutions, and carbon footprint. I realized that life is more than the McDonalized society we are living in, it’s more than the robotic emotionless world. Once I got to see the beautiful mountains and all the exotic flowers and lives, the more I appreciate its beauty. I evolved completely.
The Final Straw?
Every day of my stay in Hawaii felt like constant meditation. I was feeling lighter and freer. Until this year, when COVID-19 hit. The death of millions worldwide and over 218,000 here in the US brought the whole perspective of living in the current moment took a whole new meaning for me.
Hearing the story of so many people and the deterioration of my mom’s health due to lack of timely follow-up interventions, made me realized we cannot take life and our loved ones for granted. It was during that time, the principle of living in the moment got instilled in me. I have been freed.
My dear lovelies! The devastating pandemic made me so much more empathetic than I have been my entire life. I starting seeing my anger disappearing. I become more forgiving and happy. I am light as a feather and am ready to fly. For the first time, my life became more than my physical life. It became more about the spiritual one.
Now, I am no longer worried about things I cannot control. I started seeing people who used to make me angry and pieces of the big puzzle of life. For the first time, life has more than just me. When you see the biggest massacre of human life by an unrelenting pandemic, how can life be less than beyond just you?
I don’t know if I have awakened my spirit, but I have awakened my inner self. I no longer get trapped by my physical symptoms. It is very true. In fact, one physician told me last week that some people screams and cries in the ER, and then the various studies find nothing, then there are individuals, who look normal but the tests show a scary outcome. Which one is me?
You guessed it right, I am the later one. My doctors are more worried about me than I am. I just know things happen to you when you are ready for it. I am so much for fortunate than others. I have a job, I have my family, I am loving co-workers. I am grateful for every moment of my life and look at me with compassion. I am free.
My dear beautiful lovelies! Have you experienced self-epiphany moments in your lives? Please comment below.
I have not come to this point in my life easier. I am mindful and try to live my life intentionally. I live each and every day as if there is no tomorrow, as this pandemic has taught us more than anything, there may not be a tomorrow. More than ever, I am open to possibility. I know that I am a small fish in the big oceans, but instead of drowning, I am learning of my surroundings to ride the waves. I am morphing into someone who measures success by the difference I make in this world.
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